F is for Fear
by Kelli Hedding, Copyright June 3, 2008, all rights reserved. 518 views
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| From Misc Images |
I wake up in the morning and fear grips my heart yet again. Another day begins. What if I fail miserably today? What if someone discovers that I really don’t know what I’m doing? What if I’m not good enough?
I smile and shake my head.
“Oh, go away,” I think, “don’t bother me with that stupid stuff today”.
Ignoring my fears I slip out of bed and put on my work clothes. Leaving my cabin quietly, so as not to wake my cabin mate, I slip outside to the deck for a few moments of quiet before starting my daily ship work. It is a gorgeous morning. I lean over the ship’s railing and gaze out at the ocean.
“How on earth did I get here?” I think to myself for probably the thousandth time. “How could a scared little girl like me end up where I am now?” I shake my head in disbelief, my heart overflowing with thankfulness to God.
“Do it scared,” my Mom used to tell me. My fear used to hold me back from doing much of anything. All I really wanted to do was stay at home where it was safe; where there were no scary people. My fear was gradually turning me into a recluse. I was so afraid of what people thought of me. I was afraid of being rejected if someone saw how imperfect I was. I thought God had made a big mistake when He made me. My parents had given me a firm foundation in Christ but I did not really trust it. I had never tested this foundation myself, this Rock people say is so strong – strong enough to cling to.
When God set before me the opportunity to leave my country and serve Him on a ship with 200 other people from all over the world I tried to reason myself out of it. A scared little girl like me who is so full of mistakes should never be allowed to do something so cool.
You see, working on a ship was my childhood fantasy. You know those little fantasies you have as a little kid that aren’t supposed to come true? Being a deckhand on a ship was one of mine. I still have the little story I wrote when I was about ten years old about the little girl who ran away to be a deck hand on a ship. I never expected it to actually happen.
Yet here it was now, the opportunity to fulfill my dream, and God was providing for me without restraint. It was like God was handing me a million dollars and all I needed to do was take it.
I tried not to take it.
“It couldn’t be for me,” I thought, “it’s a mistake. It’s too good to be true. I can’t do it”.
But God refused to withdraw his hand. He kept holding out to me this incredible gift of a dream come true.
I took the gift. I left everything that was familiar to me. I left everything that was familiar to me and sailed off on a two year adventure with only God, my Rock, to cling to. Some people thought I was brave. I was not brave. I did it scared. I was so much more afraid of missing out on something – wasting my life - if I did not take this gift God was offering me.
It is like the battle I had one night on the ship a year later. God was extending to me another gift – an opportunity to be used by Him. It was during a prayer night when all of ship’s company was gathered together. I felt strongly that something needed to be shared with the people of the ship and I felt like God was asking me to do it.
“No,” I thought, “I could be wrong. Maybe I’m just being overly sensitive and God isn’t really speaking to me.” I knew I wasn’t the only one aware of what needed to be shared. “If God really wants it to be shared,” I reasoned, “he’ll ask one of the big, brave leaders who know what they’re doing”.
But it was like an Authority was speaking inside of me.
“Kelli, you are right: if you don’t do it someone else will. But I am giving YOU this opportunity to be used by Me”.
So I went forward and shared. I remember my voice was shaking and I ended up crying. But as a result of what I shared the entire mood of the prayer night changed. It was like a wall was broken down. The façade that said, “Everything is ok,” was discarded and suddenly everyone was really able to lift up their hearts to God and cry out to Him. It was exactly what the ship’s company needed. And God was able to use me - a scared, imperfect little girl.
Almost two years later I was working on an even bigger ship as part of the required crew. Thinking back I am overwhelmed by the ways God had figured out to use me. Today most people think of me as a confident leader in the deck department. Every time someone tells me that or gives me the impression they think of me in that way I have to laugh. I am still afraid. I think I am just as afraid as I ever was. But I have tested the Rock of Christ and I know for myself that it is firm. I know that I can step out and no matter where I am my Rock will remain firm. I know that what I have to offer is far from perfect but I also know that God can make something of my feeble efforts.
He says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”.—2 Cor. 12:
And I can say, “When I am weak, then I am strong.”—2 Cor. 12:10
Some people think I was brave to leave home and work on the ship. I am not brave. I am a scared little girl. But I am even more afraid of missing out on the special gifts God is holding out to me.
Be very careful, then, how you live – not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Eph. 5:15-16
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